Oscar the Grouch

7 Things the Oscars Can Do To Not Suck

 Let’s face it. For the past few years, the Oscars have been mind-numbingly dull. What is supposed to be a celebration of great achievements in filmmaking over the past year has morphed into an obligatory ceremony of tedious self-aggrandizement and politically correct pat-on-the-backs. The Academy’s recent decision to nominate ten films instead of five for the Best Picture award was a good start, but that’s all it was. Here is a list of seven more things the Oscars can do to not suck as much:

1. Pick a better host

 Jon Stewart politicized everything. Hugh Jackman turned the ceremony into the Tony Awards, Part 2. Ellen DeGeneres and Chris Rock bombed. Even Billy Crystal’s highly anticipated return in 2003 was lackluster at best. Heck, the only outstanding host of the past decade was Steve Martin. So bring him back. Ricky Gervais would be good too. Or Neil Patrick Harris, judging by his awesome performance at the Emmys. I swear, if some talentless cretin like Justin Timberlake gets picked to host, I’m going postal.

2. Separate Best Drama from Best Comedy

I’ve never sat through a Golden Globes ceremony because, well, what’s the point? But one thing they do right is separate the top award into two categories. Different genres, different styles, different intentions… different awards. You know those comedy/tragedy masks? Exactly. It makes so much sense it hurts.

3. Get rid of Best Animated Feature

Animation is a style, not a genre. Marginalizing what have often been some of the best pictures of the year (looking at you, Pixar) into a category that feels more like a pity award than anything else, is nonsensical and insulting to the creative team. So here’s an idea: let animated films qualify for the top award, and reinvent the category as “Best Animation.” That way you can separate the story from the way it is told. Win-win.

4. Create a category for Best Trailer

This seems out of left field, but think about it. Watch trailers for films like Where The Wild Things Are and A Serious Man and tell me with a straight face that hard work and creativity didn’t go into creating them. Sure, technically they’re just advertisements, but that doesn’t mean they can’t also be art forms.

5. Give out an award for Worst Picture

Yes, we all know about the Razzies. But this would be a good way to lighten the show up a bit, as well as boost ratings. And perhaps by publicly calling these films out as the steaming shit piles they are, it could serve as an incentive for filmmakers not to make as many of them.

6. Nix the shorts

If ever there was a time for a cigarette break, it’s during the announcements for Best Live Action Short Film, Best Documentary Short Subject, Best Animated… Jesus, I’m bored already. Maybe people would care more about these awards if they were actually given a chance to see the damn things beforehand. Some theaters screen them, but not nearly enough. So either release the shorts theatrically nation-wide, or air them all in a row, maybe as a sort of pre-Oscar special.

7. Get Joan and Melissa Rivers a restraining order from the red carpet

“Who are you wearing?” The most obnoxious question in the history of questions. I can’t help but think that other countries’ hatred towards America has something to do with these Oscar pre-shows, aka, self-indulgent fashion circle-jerks where rich, obsessive women fawn over their overdone hair and flamboyant gowns that probably cost so much they could feed an African village. This is a celebration of film, not a celebration of vanity. I swear that Joan and Melissa Rivers are partly responsible for 9/11.